Yes, you did read the title correctly, but bear with me.
It all started with my big mouth. Being in college, it is not surprising that my friends and I discuss (the lack of) our sex lives. Typically, I assert something along the lines of "I'm gay, so I really wanted to have sex, I could get sex, and find a fairly attractive partner. Bam." I don't think that many of use are surprised by this opinion; women are generally perceived as the more sexually withholding in our society, and the gay community is not stereotypically abstinent. This time, one of my friends called me out.
(Random note: cooking pasta in an electric water kettle is disadvantageous because there is no way to avoid getting burned by the steam except to tilt the pot on its side...which is also dangerous. I suggest turning the pot on and off and stirring while the water is not at full boil.)
The truth is, I have no idea. I don't go looking for sex, and it certainly hasn't been waltzing up to my front door. Ok, so I don't give it a lot of opportunity, just based on my schedule and activities, but one might expect a little gay-leakage into my tightly insulated daily habits.
The test was chosen: make a Craig's List M4M personal ad which links to a fake gmail account with a fake name on it, and just see what wandered by my way. Now, internet dating always seemed sketchy to me, and CL is about the epitome of sketch. Most of the ads with pictures have picture of penises (and only penises), where the 2-3 lines of text basically say "Let me fuck you, but I don't want to get an STD, and I am not attracted to fat people or guys who are openly gay."
"Virgin GWM Seeking Asian Top"
-Slender young guy looking for someone to show me the ropes. Never done this before.
Yes...my friends know that I typically like Asian men...oh, and GWM stands for gay,white male. The is actually a lot of code that one has to understand for these things. GL-good looking; ddf - drug and disease free; discrete - I'm a closeted jock; 420 - marijuana; poppers - alkyl nitrites that make you feel a little loopy and relax the anus; there is more, but you get the point.
Three days in...no takers. Maybe I am not as attractive as I thought; maybe guys are scared away by the virgin part; maybe I was totally wrong about the availability of sex.
And then I get the most interesting reply I could have ever imagined. A young Asian man, just about to graduate high school (a little more than a year younger than me), who says something about looking for chill, sane (another word you see often) guys to hang out with.
I was a little shocked that someone younger than myself would reply to my ad (and I didn't exactly picture him as a top), but I immediately perceived that this young man was very genuine and kind. Thus, I replied to him with an explanation of my purpose in posting, and that I wasn't actually looking to hook-up with anyone. His next response seemed a little terse as he assured me that he was not looking to hook-up, but rather to find someone that was interested in chatting, etc.
So we exchanged out instant messaging screen names, and over the next couple of days we talked about ourselves and our backgrounds what it is like growing up gay in conservative parts of the world. He told me that he didn't have any gay friends, and he couldn't come out to any of his current friends because they were all Asian, and he was afraid they would "treat [him] like and animal." I suggested he join the LGBT group at the university he would be attending next year, and he asked me if everyone would have to know that he was gay if he did that.
I thought to myself, this is time for a serious intervention. This kid is just as lost and unaware as I was at that age, and probably more so. I invited him to lunch with me, and we met about a week later. When we met, I opened up to him about myself and my history, and he seemed more comfortable after that. He told me about his own instance of molestation, about his parents (their faith and their divorce), about his first sexual experience with ah school friend when he was 13, and how he had had been meeting up with (typically much older) guys from the internet ever since then.
This young many had no idea that there were LGBT support groups; no idea that there were Christian LGBT groups; no gay friends in person, but he knew that he could look online for hook-ups. Why? Because that was all he had been told. He hadn't been told about the positive options, he had been told about all of the secret back-alley dealings that are perpetuated by homophobic stereotyping. And I realized that if I had grown up where I could have gone out and met people like that, I would have. When I was 13, I was desperate for understanding, explanation, community, and affirmation. I looked to porn to explain what it meant to be gay. I wanted to see guys naked because I thought that would tear down all the mysticism, and maybe sex/nudity really was the same thing as intimacy (as it is so often treated...I have had to spend a lot of time shedding that myth). I even went so far as to sneak peaks in shower rooms and locker rooms because that was what people were telling me gay people did, and I wanted to know what being gay was all about.
In my hometown I used to get hit on every week by some old guy, but even though my mother was certain that a professor would try to sleep with me, I haven't had that problem when I moved out of that conservative region. Why? Because these people have healthy and normal routes for addressing their sexual health/desire/life. When people are relegated and oppressed, that is where you get instances of pedophilia and abuse, because there are no other options. Why is it always a hypocritical Republican or church leader that gets caught in a gay sex scandal?
There is something wrong with this picture.
The young man and I continue to talk, even though he is back in Asia for the summer. I hope going to a new university gives him a chance to start over in a more positive direction.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
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