“If we change our actions, we can change our attitudes. If we change our attitudes, then our hearts will change too.” My mother told me this. This is true to some extent, we must reinforce good habits by sheer determination, but at heart these must be beliefs that one holds. A belief that one holds yet fails to act on. If you try to convince yourself of someone else's belief by repeating it in excess, you have not taken the belief to heart, you have only brainwashed yourself. My mother told me this in regard to another matter, and I misapplied it.
That being said, I would like to apologize for my outspokenness during the time when I was told that if I condemned homosexuality, then that action would aid in my struggle against it. It is very easy for me to call out others for their rejection of homosexuals, but I must also remember my own trespasses of this very nature.
I am sorry telling my grandfather that I thought homosexuals were confused. (Age 13)
I am sorry for not speaking up for the young man who performed a jazz dance routine at a choir camp. Others praised his skill, but I just said he was not performing a “men's routine.” (Age 14)
I am sorry for saying that “homosexuality is evil” to a teacher with many LGBT friends, a young man who I believe is engaged in my own struggle, and another young man whose brother is a homosexual. (Age 15)
I am sorry for not treating a childhood friend graciously after he came out to me and expressed his interest in me. Even though I was out at this point, I did not treat him with the respect and delicacy he deserved. (Age 18)
I am sure there are more instances, but in these moments, I tasted hypocrisy upon utterance, and the shame is etched into my memory.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
5. Now for My Gay Agenda
You will hear from some that gays and lesbians have a secret agenda, one we don't talk about in public but one that we discuss freely in our meetings and conferences. Well golly whiz! These accusations range from the extreme to the absurd; I thought all my efforts to destroy life as we know it in America were committed all by my lonesome. I didn't realize that every other gay man was secretly trying to do the same thing. They have been hiding from me too!
Yet, some people believe that kind of conspiracy theory even today. As for me, I would wager that most of these people are not well acquainted with the LGBT community. Yet, even though their primary exposure to gays and lesbians is likely the frivolous caricatures that appear in the modern media, they still think we are a hostile and virile threat.
ALERTING ALL WHO ARE THREATENED BY HOMOSEXUALS: I am hereby going to post my super-secret agenda for all the world to see, That's right, I used to speak of this only in private, but now I am going public.
MY GAY AGENDA
1. Understand God's will regarding sexual sin
1. Remain chaste
1. regardless of marriage or celibacy, single life is the same for all Christians
2. If I am to get married, I am already married as far as God is concerned
1. vow is for life, not just life after the wedding
2. Open dialogue with those who have questions about or do not understand homosexuals (starting with my family and my churches)
1. Listen to their view point and consider their arguments
2. Don't get if when they tell me I am a disease
3. Don't just shout my view point
4. Ask them the questions that I had to answer when I was a teen
5. Be more proactive about initiating these dialogues
1. Family – Check
1. need to branch out more into uncles and cousins
2. Pastor – Check
1. three cities, four churches, 3 pastors, 5 staff members
3. Church congregation
1. hometown conservative church definitely needs more focus
3. Graduate from college with a degree in something other than fashion
1. (I have no problems with fashion majors, but I can't be stereotypical in EVERY way, and gays can be nerdy too. I sure am!)
2. GRAD SCHOOL!
5. Understand God's will regarding homosexual marriage
1. I think that God is giving me time to figure this out during this drought of interested prospective husbands
1. NO PINING!!!
2. Yes - get married someday (note to self)
1. Determine what my role in the relationship is
2. Kids?
3. No – celibacy (It worked for Mendel)
1. More free time for me means more time for service...
6. Learn to speak Japanese (more fluently)
1. I forget kanji too easily
1. fix that
2. My accent is occasionally-present at best
1. fix that
3. I don't live in Japan
1. fix that
My Gay Lifestyle
Weekdays
1. Wake-up ~7:00 AM
1. Dress, brush teeth, etc.
2. Go to class 9:00 AM – 12:00/12:30 PM
1. Eat lunch in the 15 minutes I have to spare everyday.
3. More class 1:00 PM – 5:00 PM
1. 4 hour lab sections are alternately draining and exciting
4. Lab research, homework, food, and 1 30-min nap 5:00 PM – 12:00/1:00 AM
5. Sleep
Saturday
1. Wake-up ~ 8:00 AM
2. Lab research, homework 9:00 AM – 12:30 PM
3. Club Meeting 1:00 PM – 4:30 PM
1. Food!
4. Lab research, homework, food 5:00 PM – 12:00 AM
5. Sleep
Sunday
1. Wake-up ~8:00 AM
2. Catch Bus at 9:50 AM
3. Set-up for Church A 10:15 – 10:35 AM
4. Church A Service 10:45 AM – 2:00 PM
5. Walk back to campus
6. Lab research, homework 3:00 – 4:30 PM
7. Subway
8. Church B 5:00PM – 9:00 PM
9. Subway
10. Lab research, homework, food, nap 9:30 PM – 2:00 AM
11. Sleep
Yet, some people believe that kind of conspiracy theory even today. As for me, I would wager that most of these people are not well acquainted with the LGBT community. Yet, even though their primary exposure to gays and lesbians is likely the frivolous caricatures that appear in the modern media, they still think we are a hostile and virile threat.
ALERTING ALL WHO ARE THREATENED BY HOMOSEXUALS: I am hereby going to post my super-secret agenda for all the world to see, That's right, I used to speak of this only in private, but now I am going public.
MY GAY AGENDA
1. Understand God's will regarding sexual sin
1. Remain chaste
1. regardless of marriage or celibacy, single life is the same for all Christians
2. If I am to get married, I am already married as far as God is concerned
1. vow is for life, not just life after the wedding
2. Open dialogue with those who have questions about or do not understand homosexuals (starting with my family and my churches)
1. Listen to their view point and consider their arguments
2. Don't get if when they tell me I am a disease
3. Don't just shout my view point
4. Ask them the questions that I had to answer when I was a teen
5. Be more proactive about initiating these dialogues
1. Family – Check
1. need to branch out more into uncles and cousins
2. Pastor – Check
1. three cities, four churches, 3 pastors, 5 staff members
3. Church congregation
1. hometown conservative church definitely needs more focus
3. Graduate from college with a degree in something other than fashion
1. (I have no problems with fashion majors, but I can't be stereotypical in EVERY way, and gays can be nerdy too. I sure am!)
2. GRAD SCHOOL!
5. Understand God's will regarding homosexual marriage
1. I think that God is giving me time to figure this out during this drought of interested prospective husbands
1. NO PINING!!!
2. Yes - get married someday (note to self)
1. Determine what my role in the relationship is
2. Kids?
3. No – celibacy (It worked for Mendel)
1. More free time for me means more time for service...
6. Learn to speak Japanese (more fluently)
1. I forget kanji too easily
1. fix that
2. My accent is occasionally-present at best
1. fix that
3. I don't live in Japan
1. fix that
My Gay Lifestyle
Weekdays
1. Wake-up ~7:00 AM
1. Dress, brush teeth, etc.
2. Go to class 9:00 AM – 12:00/12:30 PM
1. Eat lunch in the 15 minutes I have to spare everyday.
3. More class 1:00 PM – 5:00 PM
1. 4 hour lab sections are alternately draining and exciting
4. Lab research, homework, food, and 1 30-min nap 5:00 PM – 12:00/1:00 AM
5. Sleep
Saturday
1. Wake-up ~ 8:00 AM
2. Lab research, homework 9:00 AM – 12:30 PM
3. Club Meeting 1:00 PM – 4:30 PM
1. Food!
4. Lab research, homework, food 5:00 PM – 12:00 AM
5. Sleep
Sunday
1. Wake-up ~8:00 AM
2. Catch Bus at 9:50 AM
3. Set-up for Church A 10:15 – 10:35 AM
4. Church A Service 10:45 AM – 2:00 PM
5. Walk back to campus
6. Lab research, homework 3:00 – 4:30 PM
7. Subway
8. Church B 5:00PM – 9:00 PM
9. Subway
10. Lab research, homework, food, nap 9:30 PM – 2:00 AM
11. Sleep
4. Now for a Little Freudian Analysis
I've often noticed that I have a propensity towards Asian men; in general I find them more attractive as a population than I do other ethnic lumps. This has been a source of some guilt for me. (Fetish is such a tainted word. And terms like “yellow fever” don't much improve the situation...the still sound like a disease.) The idea of singling out an entire ethnicity (or more group of ethnicities) comes across as petty on my part and degrading to them. Because of that, I find fetishes to be ridiculous, but also because I do no understand them. I've tried, therefore, to think of some possible psychological reasons for this:
I grew up around Hispanics, add to that the fact that I am fair-skinned and light-haired, so I find dark hair and medium-light skin very attractive.
The stereotypical Asian man is more intellectual, more hardworking, more gentle, more able to carry a conversation than men of other ethnicities. These are all traits that I respect and find attractive. Perhaps it is a desire to be Asian on my part. Once you have gotten over the fact that someone is different from you in such an obvious way, then other differences mean less and less, so if I was Asian, then my white acquaintances would be more accepting of my sexuality because they had already accepted my race. That, or the some of the characteristics that people attest to my sexuality would be written off as a result of race instead. Please know that I am not trying to offend anyone. I do not wish to propagate the idea that all Asians are quite, nerdy, weak, or effeminate, but I do believe that stereotypes shape our subconscious. I will be the first to admit how wrong stereotypes are, and I know that this is one in particular is skewed by the fact that I only know Asians from an academic environment.
I have no associations with Asians in the places where I have suffered from strong discrimination. I can also say that I have no recollection of an Asian rebuking me or reacting negatively to me on the basis of sexuality. This misconception of Asians and Asian men as a sort of haven is fairly deep-rooted. In my interest in Asian music and Asian culture in my early teens, Asia became a far-off fantasy world into which I could retreat. As such a fantasy world was filled with fanciful men whom met my ideal and accepted me. This reminds me of a a quote about “illusions” from the 1995 re-make of the movie Sabrina... “He sounds perhaps like an illusion. Illusions are dangerous people; they have no flaws.”
My first toyings with the possibility of mutual romance were with Asian men. Strangely, they were Taiwanese men (each of whom grew up on a different continent) all bearing the same first name. I don't know if this is cause or effect...
Maybe I don't think that an attractive white man would be interested in me. I am not attractive to Americans in general, or at least I am certainly not masculine in the Western sense.
Well, we have transgendered, why not transethnic? Or transcultural? Or transnationalist? I guess that would make me Japanese, my father Hispanic, my grandfather French. Julia Child and Thomas Jefferson would be French as well. This makes perfect sense to me. Where's my kimono?
I grew up around Hispanics, add to that the fact that I am fair-skinned and light-haired, so I find dark hair and medium-light skin very attractive.
The stereotypical Asian man is more intellectual, more hardworking, more gentle, more able to carry a conversation than men of other ethnicities. These are all traits that I respect and find attractive. Perhaps it is a desire to be Asian on my part. Once you have gotten over the fact that someone is different from you in such an obvious way, then other differences mean less and less, so if I was Asian, then my white acquaintances would be more accepting of my sexuality because they had already accepted my race. That, or the some of the characteristics that people attest to my sexuality would be written off as a result of race instead. Please know that I am not trying to offend anyone. I do not wish to propagate the idea that all Asians are quite, nerdy, weak, or effeminate, but I do believe that stereotypes shape our subconscious. I will be the first to admit how wrong stereotypes are, and I know that this is one in particular is skewed by the fact that I only know Asians from an academic environment.
I have no associations with Asians in the places where I have suffered from strong discrimination. I can also say that I have no recollection of an Asian rebuking me or reacting negatively to me on the basis of sexuality. This misconception of Asians and Asian men as a sort of haven is fairly deep-rooted. In my interest in Asian music and Asian culture in my early teens, Asia became a far-off fantasy world into which I could retreat. As such a fantasy world was filled with fanciful men whom met my ideal and accepted me. This reminds me of a a quote about “illusions” from the 1995 re-make of the movie Sabrina... “He sounds perhaps like an illusion. Illusions are dangerous people; they have no flaws.”
My first toyings with the possibility of mutual romance were with Asian men. Strangely, they were Taiwanese men (each of whom grew up on a different continent) all bearing the same first name. I don't know if this is cause or effect...
Maybe I don't think that an attractive white man would be interested in me. I am not attractive to Americans in general, or at least I am certainly not masculine in the Western sense.
Well, we have transgendered, why not transethnic? Or transcultural? Or transnationalist? I guess that would make me Japanese, my father Hispanic, my grandfather French. Julia Child and Thomas Jefferson would be French as well. This makes perfect sense to me. Where's my kimono?
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