6. Now, I Would Like to Apologize

“If we change our actions, we can change our attitudes.  If we change our attitudes, then our hearts will change too.”  My mother told me this.  This is true to some extent, we must reinforce good habits by sheer determination, but at heart these must be beliefs that one holds.  A belief that one holds yet fails to act on.  If you try to convince yourself of someone else's belief by repeating it in excess, you have not taken the belief to heart, you have only brainwashed yourself.  My mother told me this in regard to another matter, and I misapplied it.


That being said, I would like to apologize for my outspokenness during the time when I was told that if I condemned homosexuality, then that action would aid in my struggle against it.  It is very easy for me to call out others for their rejection of homosexuals, but I must also remember my own trespasses of this very nature.



I am sorry telling my grandfather that I thought homosexuals were confused. (Age 13)

I am sorry for not speaking up for the young man who performed a jazz dance routine at a choir camp.  Others praised his skill, but I just said he was not performing a “men's routine.”  (Age 14)

I am sorry for saying that “homosexuality is evil” to a teacher with many LGBT friends, a young man who I believe is engaged in my own struggle, and another young man whose brother is a homosexual.  (Age 15)

I am sorry for not treating a childhood friend graciously after he came out to me and expressed his interest in me.  Even though I was out at this point, I did not treat him with the respect and delicacy he deserved.  (Age 18)



I am sure there are more instances, but in these moments,  I tasted hypocrisy upon utterance, and the shame is etched into my memory.