3. Now for a Little Emotional Addiction

Facebook friends.  No normal person takes this in an emotional way, right?  Of course not, you are all sane, well-balanced people who realize these things mean nothing, especially when the other person is full across the nation, right?  Of course you are, you don't get emotionally attached to someone you have never, and may never meet.  Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail were a successful movies because their plots are so outrageous, not because people see themselves in that kind of situation, right?

Let me explain.

I recently friended a person on Facebook whom I knew to be gay.  As I saw it, it was perfectly acceptable.  There was a context for how I would have found him on Facebook, and I expected it to work like most Facebook friendship work.  You friend them, they accept you, you both look at each others profile a total of 1-2 times (if you look at all), and then you forget they exist for all intents and purposes.

Not so.

I friended him, and he wrote on my wall, so I wrote on his wall, to which he responded, thus I responded with a more extensive message and a question or two, which he answered and queried back, and you get the point.  Pretty soon we were having a fairly deep philosophical discussion on my Facebook wall with a few supplemental Facebook messages.

Then it stopped.

No reason.  In fact it stopped right after he asked for further contact information.  I was the last one to write him, and not really wanting to push the matter I have not made any subsequent contact until now.

My mind can take this down innumerable paths to propose an explanation.  Maybe I offended him, maybe he felt I was acting strangely for someone he does not really know, maybe he was just being kind to talk to me all this time and needed to bail before I took up too much more of his time, maybe this has been a joke with his friends all this time and he is tired of it.  Maybe he thinks all of the above is true in my case, and has withheld contact accordingly.

A friend once told me that I am not assertive as I let others push past me while we were waiting for grilled burgers at a school outing, but that is not a wholly accurate assessment.  When I feel I am right, I can be downright dogged about proving a point or affecting the course of activity.  What will stop me dead in my tracks is the impression that action on my part will cause the other person the remotest glimpse of undue discomfort.  In this case, being self-conscious and passive under such conditions, I am more apt to wait and let him decide.

Thus, I am still waiting.  Granted I have been working on not letting myself be distracted, but my pensive nature over being ignored is so wonderfully expressed in lyrics of Imogen Heap's “Halflife” – “My self-worth measured in text-back tempo./ It's been 2 days and 8 minutes too slow.”  A spiky little question gnaws on my chest and scratches my mind.

Often times I don't like being human.  I lead a life that is very separated from other humans (my education and work dominate my life to an extreme extent...not to say that I don't have fantastic friends and a loving family...I just ignore them to an indecent extent), and I think I instinctively scoff at some of the giggle-ridden love-crazy sex-driven foolishness I see in my generation and in the media.  This disdain is only heightened when I begin to see the evidence of that same folly in myself.

Romance is probably my greatest arena of social criticism.  This is probably because I am shouting from the bleachers; I have never dated, and had the option of dating with about 5 people.  Most of them where girls, and the other was a man 20 years older than myself.  Still, that does not bother me greatly, because I rarely know a person that I could consider dating, and it is even more rare that that person is gay and interested in me (so rare that it has not yet happened).  My parents have had a very poor relationship, so I take these matters seriously.  I could not date someone just to have fun.  I could only continually date someone if I felt that our relationship were moving toward the direction of marriage (or at the very least not revealing serious concerns about a future together).

So when I see my peers entering these fly-by-night, hot-and-heavy, must-kiss-in-the-checkout-line-because-we-are-so-in-love, joined-at-the-hip, traumatic-break-up, must-tell-my-random-gay-friend-everything relationships, I genuinely doubt the ability of my generation to form healthy couples.  Worse still, when I do crack, and meet someone who I start crushing on, I enter into this battle of logic versus emotion.  When that kind of feeling begins, I enter the same obsessed state where I begin to constantly cycle through the highs of: checking Facebook every 5 minutes; imagining scenes from shy beginnings to first kisses to marriage; reminding myself that I have to be open to surprises; crashing back into the lows of: imagining rejection; reminding myself what a waste it is to dwell in fantasy; and realizing that at the end of the day, I have nothing to really base all of my hopes on. It is as if I repress my emotions so much in general, that the after-first-flirting ecstasy completely overwhelms all of my better judgment.

This is not healthy, but I don't know how to fix it.  I know I am emotionally addictive.  I can turn a friendly smile into personal proof of a deep seated affection, and if we share a very engaging conversation, then the likely hood of me needing a good number number of weeks to get over you is about 95%.  On one hand, I can avoid everything and attempt to be numb until I enter a marriage of convenience, but that seems equally naive.  On the other hand, I can accept that I do not have a perfect choice.  I imagine that I should stop worrying about what I feel, that will soon change.  I must live for now with the decisions I have made, and the resulting decisions I will have to make.  There is always doubt and uncertainty when it comes to love, but love grows if one is willing to work for it, right?

I wish I didn't act like a silly school girl in a Disney television show...

I posted something on his wall today, 20 days since the last time he posted something.  I am not sure if that qualifies as trying to not let a potentially good friendship slip away, or if it more falls into the category of feeding addictions.

2. Now for a Little Bit of Me

 You cannot understand any of this without knowing the person to whom you are listening.  You will find this same post is on each of the other two In the Closet blogs.





Who are you?

5'9” and 120 lbs. of Anglo-Irish-Dutch-German-Hungarian-Slavic-Hispanic-Cherokee nerdy   gay Christian, with a side of Y chromosome and a dash of obsession over anything remotely Japanese (except for anime and manga...strangely enough).  I am told my appearance is distinctive, but that is used as a pejorative about as often as it is used as a compliment.  I grew up in one of the most conservative regions of our nation in one of the smallest towns in the state, but now I go to college in one of the most liberal regions of the nation.  I think this varied, multicultural, introspective background gives me a unique vantage point.



What is with the name?

I am the second of my name.  I am my grandfather's namesake.  The second SMT.  Supposedly I am the famous one, or so the joke goes.  This is not what I wish, and it is not what I believe to be true.  In truth I am the infamous, but I would be proud to be more like the man who calls himself the Infamous SMT.


What qualifies you to write on this issue?

In my opinion, if you ask no other question of me, this is probably the one you should ask should you truly wish to take me seriously.  What I am is a young Christian male who has spent more than half of my 20 years coming to an understanding of my sexuality, seeking God's will for what lies beyond the point of acknowledgement, and dealing with the daily struggle of reconciling my beliefs about myself, God, morality, society, and homosexuality.  By trade, I am a scientist; by nature, I am an introverted intellectual; and by choice, I am a Christian; in all of these, I feel my duty is to search for the objective truth.  So, as my life gives me experience with homosexuality, my faith gives me grounding, and my daily habits incline me towards critical examination, I feel my opinions carry some weight on the issue.  What I am not is a Bible scholar or an expert in any the fields of theology, sociology, or psychology (as well as a plethora of other -ologies), so I write from what I believe to be a very common-sense  perspective.  Moreover, I very much isolated myself from other viewpoints during the age of 15-18, or the time when I really developed a solid personal conviction on these issues.  This means that my conclusions are largely independent, however I have expanded some of my statements to include points brought up by others.  In my writings, I try to refrain from justifying points with scripture or with the conclusions or opinions of others.  This represents my view point alone, and while I am influenced by the aforementioned sources, I would not wish to venture into fields I am unqualified to speak on or taint your perspectives on material you have not yet seen.  I am, nevertheless, fiercely opinionated, but I am always reexamining my conclusions, and I believe that I give most viewpoints a decent audience.



How do you know you are gay?

I am always surprised how often I get this question, because to me it seems so obvious.  I like guys, I just know that, but then it is easy for me to forget that a good portion of the nation has had a life-experience completely unlike my own.  Those people who do not often associate with members of the LGBT community may not realize how early the understanding of ones sexuality can begin, and understanding can be hampered by denial or the attempt to change ones sexual identity.  I think it is common, especially nowadays, to go through a period where one wonders if they are gay, or lesbian, or bisexual.  We don't have a tattoo or a birth mark that informs us, so when ones doesn't feel or react to a variety of stimuli (things like: the thought of another person in a sexual sense, a romantic relationship, even gender-associated activities like sports),   Our society is ultra-specific in it's representations of masculine/feminine, and any deviation can cause doubts in adolescents, teens, and young adults.  It is unfortunate that our society does not tolerate differences in masculinity.  I for one find any man who has the courage to treat others with kindness and respect far more manly that any pig-headed high-school jock.  That, of course, means that the high-school jock can also meet my definition of a true man if he behaves with equal decorum.  The same argument can be applied to womanhood, but womanhood is a matter on which I should proclaim ignorance.

I know I am gay for the simple reason that my affection for men and women is different.  I have many close female friends, but I satisfied by that extent of the relationship.  It is with men that I desire more that friendship, I want to spend my life in communion with a man.  This is at its core a desire for a mutual relationship that gives and provides strength in turn, and is accompanied by more physical affection than I care to engage in with women.  I am capable of devoting myself to a man in a way that would not satisfy a woman nor would my emotional needs be satisfied by the reciprocation of a woman.  In short, my desire (for better and for worse) is wholly bound in other men.

If you are gay, you will know it by this desire for affection, but homosexuality is something of a misnomer; it is not just about sex.  Romance, love, passion, lust, and desire are all very interconnected but unique concepts.  Sex, unaccompanied by anything other than lust, is probably the most basal, but it is not an indicator of inclination.  After a point, sex is neural stimulation and physiological response.  I say this because I always warn my friends who question their sexuality to NEVER let a sexual encounter convince them of their sexuality, and even more so, to NEVER engage in sex in order to discover their sexuality.  It may feel good, but that is just because you are trigging the devices in your body that were designed to give you pleasure.  That is why masturbation works.

Dreams can be a great guide in this matter.  They have the potential to be windows into our sub-conscious.  Ergo, what you may hide or deny in your daily waking life, often hits you full force when you can't repress it.  Personally, I don't often have nocturnal emissions, but when I do, my dreams are about other men.  I remember my first wet dream, or at least the first wet dream I remembered upon waking, occurred around the age of 11-12.  I was in the context of some sort of medication like Viagra or Cialis, the ones where they show pictures of couples in very intimate, pre-foreplay scenarios.  In the midst of these scenes was a gay couple.  It was nothing more than the two of them lying on a bed covered with white sheets.  As the camera moved from the foot of the bed to the left side, continuing to focus on the couple, the young man on the left with dark hair wearing only a dark choker necklace sat up.  His body concealed his partner's nakedness, and even in my dream I never saw either of their full bodies (as would be appropriate for a commercial...), but I knew they were naked, and I knew what they had been/were about to be doing.  Simple it may seem, but I woke up and thought to myself “Ok, I guess I really am gay.”  But that is only because I had been trying to deny the fact for a couple of years already.  Even after that, I fought against the idea.  I told myself it was a phase.  8 years later, it is hard to make that same kind of argument against myself.

Yet the point remains that homosexuality is an emotional orientation as well as a sexual orientation.  This to me is the truest indicator.  You will know by realizing whose support, affection, time, and fellowship you desire.

How do you know you are Christian?

I was born into a Christian family, and as such I was raised in the church as well as being home schooled until I entered the 4th grade.  Saturation is probably the best word to describe my exposure to Christianity in my early years.  When I was five, I distinctly remembered a Wednesday night Children's Church lesson where they invited the young ones to come forward and accept Jesus into their lives.  I was probably the youngest one in the audience, but it just seemed right that I step forward at the time.  I remember afterwards a distinct peace and an awareness of a higher calling for my life.  It was at that point that I realized that I was responsible to an authority greater than my own.  Even still, at the age of five, I was not fully capable of understanding everything that I had committed to in professing Christianity.  Now I consider myself Christianity because it is a choice that I affirm everyday.  I have questions about the Bible, about the traditions of the Church, about corruption within the Church both now and throughout history, but despite the doubts that I am still working to resolve and understand, I am convinced in the existence of the one true living God who sent his son Jesus to die as the payment for our sins.  I have no proof for my convictions that I can offer any man because they are supported only by very personal, and at times mystical, instances in which I cannot deny the influence of God.

Therefore, I believe in God as the creator and commander of the universe and all that it contains.  I believe that God sent his son, Jesus, God manifested in human flesh, to Earth for the salvation of all who would believe in him (i.e. atonement theology).  In my faith, belief in God and the sacrifice he made, declaration of him as my lord and savior, and a continual fellowship with God are the hallmarks of a Christian, everything else follows from that.  Therefore, I consider myself a Christian.



Can I contact you?

No.  Originally I intended to name this section FAQs, and then I realized that would be a lie, since no one had asked me any questions, and no one was going to.  I had also intended to reveal my identity in the effort to be completely open and honest, but as I began writing, I realized there was no way to protect the privacy of the others involved in my story unless my identity was hidden.  If someone who knew me or was associated with my church or school during my childhood read this, they would be able to trace back the identity of others.  While I am not saying that anyone who knew me would be prompted to engage in such minor detective work, the possibility is one I must preclude for the sake of others.

You are free to leave comments, however, I may change the restrictions on this based on the general atmosphere.



Terms Explained

LGBT -  Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual  I understand that some feel this term does not fully encompass the range of individuals with sexual or gender identity, but I use it because it is the most recognizable.  If you feel rejected, I do apologize.  My beliefs call me to love all, and no terminology can prove or disprove my acceptance of your right to live your life as you choose.  But in all honesty, I should only be speaking for myself, so the fewer people I associate myself with the better.Describe your new note here.

1. Now for the Basics

This member of the In the Closet blogs is to be an accurate representation of what I am at present.  I promise not to edit more than the first two posts (the introduction to this blog and the introduction to myself, respectively) unlike I do in the other blogs.  While my other writings are a continual work-in-progress because they are the summation of my understanding of my situation, this is more of a journal and an immediate response to what is happening at the moment.  In the other two blogs, I have chosen to display the creative process by publishing a note as soon as I begin it, and continue to work through the writing and editing as I have time.  Here the posts will be smaller, shorter, and complete the first time.  Any mistakes I make will be preserved.


When I was in middle school, I started writing what I deemed poetry.  Sometimes I encounter these journals in the rare occasions that I at my parents home.  Generally I feel ashamed of myself, until I realize that being a little silly and melodramatic is just about the least of my real problems.  I am probably going to look back on most of these posts and think about how foolish I am and have been, but I hope that in being honest, I will see an honest change over time.